Its Amazing what happens when I get out of my own way

I'm going into business with my father. Yes, that's right. My father. And I haven't even lost my mind. I was just returning his call from a few weeks ago and it all unfolded. And yes, it was an unreturned call from a few weeks ago. That should give you an idea of how fabulous our relationship has been.

I'm learning things about me and in realising that have discovered how easy it is to do things differently. So I called my dad and instead of tuning him out for saying things I didn't want to hear - I just changed the subject. I know. This isnt some crazy cool novel concept. Its just that I've spent so many years just letting him drone on that it had ceased to occur to me altogether that I am in control of my life and can do something as simple as change a subject.

So instead of chanting in my head "I don't want to hear this", I stopped an thought what do I want to hear. It was just that easy. The subject matter changed. We started having an actual conversation for the first time in years. Ideas bounced back and forth and next thing you know - a business was born. We even got thru negotiating percentages painlessly and in four minutes flat.

Its amazing what I get when I remember I'm in charge of my life and my experiences.

Support Works!

I've just been contemplating the glory of having the other Divas in my life. I am so very appreciative and grateful for who they are and how they are with me. This space we have created is blooming because we are learning how to support each other better.

I have always had a hard time asking for help or letting people help me. That hasn't changed completely by any long stretch of the imagination. And I'm learning. I'm learning in my marriage, I'm learning in it ending, I'm learning in my friendships and even with my acquaintances. I am discovering its more than ok to ask for help - its necessary. And in letting people help me I am creating room for them to let me help them back.

There is a symmetry, connectedness I feel in the process of relationship building that is just critical to my make up. As I said to someone recently "I run on relationships", I really do. They are what make me tick, what energizes me and brings joy to my life. And in the last few years I have learned this new component of relationships called support. I haven't quite got it down, but I'm learning. And it works.

And some day it might even be easy.

Thanks Divas!

My Life is Great, Thanks for Asking.

My bassist, Will, and I went for a hike today, and after we had exhausted the band chatter, we moved onto the big stuff - the rest of our lives. It's the dreaded question for any hardworking musician whose star is on the rise: "How's the rest of your life?" Ugh.

The truth is that the rest of my life is pretty good. And the other truth is that I don't currently care about the rest of my life like I currently care about my band life. Making sure we've got our stage set-up solid, our tones harmonious, and our song transitions smooth seems preferable to making sure the car payment has been mailed, the prescription cat food picked up, and the guest bedroom ready for our weekend visitor. Am I alone in thinking that the latter set is a big batch of bullshit?

I'm at a stage in my life where I don't want to be bothered with anything that isn't creative self-expression. All I currently care about is rocking and writing and nourishing my "artist brain". Try telling that to a husband with a seriously old-school work ethic - i.e. "Ya gotta' work hard!" and doom & gloom outlook for the future - i.e. "the economy sucks so we gotta' to work EXTRA HARD!" Yeah, it goes over like a fart in church.

So, where to go from here? How do I create balance between Band and Rest-of-Life without fucking one off for the other?

Maybe I should just remind him that Confucius says, "Happy wife, happy life", and hope for the best. Then again, maybe I should put a little more thought into it.

Love and Relationships: Why am I seaching for what's wrong with him?

Went on a date last night and had a horrible realization. Well, actually it was a great realization, I just felt horrified. I realized I was thinking through all the questions I need to ask him to find out what he's really like so I can avoid anyone who wont "act right". Attempting to avoid pain thru random inquisitions....probably not so effective.

As I stopped to contemplate my mental process, I noticed feeling competitive. Like its a game to be won, getting to know someone, and if you do it right you'll know them and not be surprised and hurt by anything they do. As if that is even possible. I was wanting to find out how he really is so I'll know what to expect so as not to be disappointed. I believe you get what you expect to find, so looking for flaws and preparing for disappointment, pain and feeling shortchanged, looks like a bad idea. So why am I doing it. Knee jerk reactions.

I've spent so much time working on changing my default settings in my brain on other subjects. Now I found one more place to rearrange. Men. I know I love them, I know they are a challenge for me and I know I want to be more in tune with the men in my life. I've learned alot about this in the past few years and am just now really incorporating that. Remembering that men think differently. Remembering that men have different needs and desires from women. Remembering that men will react to me based on how I am with them. If I don't like how things are going I get to be different.

So I get to change my perspective here. The men in my life are happy to make me happy. All this requires is for me to know what makes me happy and be willing to ask for it. Both of which, of course, I have a hard time with...ah the joys of learning.

Where will all this dating business lead? Is Love in the Cards? Am I ready for a relationship? I'm feeling like I'm making progress and getting a better grip on me and my answers. I wandered around match.com for a few weeks. My membership is almost ready to expire and I have had an adventure thus far. Some flakes, some coffee meeting moments and some interesting phone calls.... and one very promising hunk.

So this is the perfect opportunity. To calm down, slow down and just enjoy being without letting my brain get the better of me. Breathe, inhale, exhale, repeat. Talk with him, walk with him, explore with him, get to know him, snuggle with him, spend time with him and just enjoy being together. No detailed analysis required. No striving to understand the inner workings of his mind. No looking for clues with which to tell the future. Just old fashioned, good clean (and maybe just a smidge of dirty) fun. Adventure awaits.

I get to spend more time being the best of me. Smiling, Expressive, Vulnerable, Happy, Excited, Cheerful, Inquisitive, Impulsive, Instinctive, Peaceful, Powerful, Passionate and just Damn Fun! Its fun to be reminded that when I am being my favorite me, men are oh so attracted to me. Its like the perfect magic potion. Just being adored for awhile. Ok, so just being adored a few days a week or even all the time has such wonderous appeal. And I wonder at the little sparks and tugs at my heart and where they might lead. And I can take great satisfaction in being willing to find out.