The Man Rules

My husband came home from work the other day and read me this set of rules. We both got a chuckle out of them, mainly because they are so true!

The Man Rules

These are our rules! Please note, these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports: It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. Burping is talking

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, the history of aluminum, or the latest Myth Buster.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Shoes, Shoes, SHOES

I've never been much of a shoe shopper. But lately I've been bitten by the bug and I'll find the slightest excuse to go shoe shopping. The day before yesterday I was at the mall, clothes shopping, and the time got away from me. I looked up to realize I was supposed to be arriving at my destination in the next five minutes and I had just loaded up a dressing room with 30 things to try on. So I rushed thru the batch, made my purchases, put half of them on and stopped at Payless next door for some emergency shoes. I mean, I had to, it was a matter of practicality since I no longer had time to go home to change as I planned. And lucky me, there were some cute earrings to match too! So you see my dilemma, you see what I've been reduced to, emergency forced shoe shopping. Or maybe it was all just an excuse. Maybe I've just turned into a shoe whore.

Support Works!

I've just been contemplating the glory of having the other Divas in my life. I am so very appreciative and grateful for who they are and how they are with me. This space we have created is blooming because we are learning how to support each other better.

I have always had a hard time asking for help or letting people help me. That hasn't changed completely by any long stretch of the imagination. And I'm learning. I'm learning in my marriage, I'm learning in it ending, I'm learning in my friendships and even with my acquaintances. I am discovering its more than ok to ask for help - its necessary. And in letting people help me I am creating room for them to let me help them back.

There is a symmetry, connectedness I feel in the process of relationship building that is just critical to my make up. As I said to someone recently "I run on relationships", I really do. They are what make me tick, what energizes me and brings joy to my life. And in the last few years I have learned this new component of relationships called support. I haven't quite got it down, but I'm learning. And it works.

And some day it might even be easy.

Thanks Divas!

Oh Yeah!

Tomorrow is my first real, paid singing gig. This is a monumental moment in the history of Liz Granite.

I have been asked to sing on an industrial rock version of Joan Jett's hard-edged rock classic, "Oh Yeah". I feel as though my dreams are coming to fruition at light speed. I am making a living being my fabulous self: a rocker, a writer, a creator of beauty, a self-expressionist.

While I haven't typically been the kind of person who seeks validation at every turn, I am feeling validated. And it feels good. I paid my bills today with money I made doing what I love. How many people on this planet can really say that truthfully? I feel so fortunate to get to this point in my life where being myself and sharing it with the world pays the bills!

Oh yeah...

Will a mental adjustment help?

So I'm thinking about women this week and my love/hate relationship with them. I can't pinpoint the exact moment when women in general became the enemy - approach with great caution and trust no one. It was either grade school with the countless things girls do to eachother or the sexual battlefield that is the early 20's. Either way, here I am way past my 20's and without a solid backbone of girlfriends like most women seem to have. Am I missing something? When I see a group of women out having a good time I want to join them and do all that girlie sharing crap. But then when I do spend time with a group, they either bore or annoy me (divas excluded). Can you see my bad attitude problem here? And then my free time is limited and I would rather spend most of it at home with my family (who also annoy me) or consumed in my projects (not annoying). Possibly it's the women I meet, mostly all moms who want to talk about their amazing kids or bitch about their husband. Shut the fuck up!! This is not a new problem for me and I know where it's coming from, but that will come under another post titled why 7th grade sucked. The fact is that this, like most things that bother me, has a solution - I just don't want to bother with the effort. Like so many other things, it all comes down to laziness.

Internet Dating - An Insiders Guide Part II

Internet Dating - My Story
Wanna know who I am and what I'm rambling about this? Check out my previous Internet Dating post.

Internet Dating - Screening
Let's face it ladies men are better at this...they look at pictures, eliminate the impossible read further and narrow it down with their single focused minds. We see so many possibilities (hopefully we're all past the point where we see the potential - i.e. perfect with a few changes we plan to implement - instead of the man) that further investigation may be required. I tend to google search people for more background info - but that's just me.

The primary thing to remember when reading profiles is the random abundance in the world. We tend to operate from the idea that there is one person out there for us and we need to find him like a needle in a haystack. Lose this idea! It will make you desperate or at least make you act desperate. There is no need to look under rocks. If the guy is a chain smoker and you cant stand the thought of inhaling a cig then dont read further. Even if he was otherwise perfect - that one thing can ruin it. Be willing to move on, there are plenty of profiles to sort thru just keep going.

Internet Dating - The First Meeting
Keep it simple, go for coffee. You'll probably both know in the first five minutes if this is going anywhere. So grab a drink, check each other out and then act accordingly. If its a perfect match you can move onto something after your caffeine fix. If not then you can cut bait and run without wasting a lot of each others time. Keep it casual, keep it simple and remember You Are Having Fun!!!!!

Internet Dating - An Insiders Guide Part I

Internet Dating - My Story
Let's talk about match.com, you hear the stories, everyone's got one I met my husband there..or someone's cousin did or someone else's best friends sister or... blah blah blah. So its become socially acceptable to date online and more and more people are jumping into the internet dating pool. And there's plenty to learn about this new style of dating.

I was online dating way back in 1998 when this was still a completely taboo subject and no one wanted to admit they were doing it. I dated online all the way thru 2004 when I met my husband (not from online dating). Recently divorced, I thought I'd go back and give internet dating another try. So I signed up for Match.com for a month so see what changed, what stayed the same and just the general state of affairs in Internet Dating.

Internet Dating - Safety Precautions
First off, lets remember these are strangers. No matter how much you email, im, chat or talk you still don't know them very well. Take some basic precautions. Meet in public places, don't take them back to your house and don't go back to theirs. I have very good intuition and so have had no real problems personally. And there are plenty of horror stories out there so don't be one of them.

Internet Dating - Profile Writing Tips for Men
Don't talk about how uncomfortable you are doing this and how you don't know what to say. Don't tell us what your friends say. Have the confidence to just be yourself, know yourself and put it out there. Its much easier for a woman to respect you if you have self confidence.

Internet Dating - Profile Writing Tips for Women
Men are visual. Pictures, Pictures, PICTURES!!! If you are uncomfortable with this just don't date online. Be comfortable being you. Full body shots are a necessity. It doesn't do you any good for a man to like your face then show up to meet you and find you aren't his type. Putting up recent accurate pictures (and the more the merrier) reduces the amount of face to face rejection you will have to deal with.

Internet Dating - Profile Writing Tips for Men and Women
* Be yourself. Its really easy to just click and keep going when your profile sounds like everyone else's. Got a unique hobby, a favorite TV show or something you just love? Talk about it. It will help catch attention and have people more interested in getting to know you.
* Be honest about what you are looking for - do you want to date, meet the love of your life, just have some fun? Let people know where you want to take it.
* Don't write a novel. Yes we all have alot of wants and needs and things to share about ourselves. And that's what dating is for...you dont have to cram it all into your profile.
* Do answer the questions. Yes it does matter, yes people do want to read your answers. Take the time to give at least some fair representation of yourself.
* Have fun!

Keep in mind that when you take it to the real world there will be a whole new dynamic to take in. There will be adjusting. There will be plenty of people you do not connect with. There are no guarantees and it may take awhile. So please, don't take yourself or the process too seriously. Relax, enjoy, have fun and just take it easy. It will all work out in the end. Happy Dating!